Author: Mduduzi Manyandi
MDUDUZI MANYANDI’S selfpublished is loaded with the kind of f***-boy humour that will make you either hate it or find it extremely entertaining – for all the
wrong reasons I might add. It is in 10 short chapters about “one night stands” (Chapter 3), “hiding cheating evidence” (Chapter 2), “How women speak” (Chapter 7), “Why you should stay hygienically clean” (Chapter 8), and “Revenge” (Chapter 11).
The book off ers tired insights and clichés about “what women want” and “good guys vs bad guys”. Tired, yet dangerous. That said, however, Manyandi has a skill for gutter humour, if not simply by exposing his ignorance. So, instead of attempting to review this book, let me share some of the writer’s wisdoms:
Chapter 1: One night stands “Let’s get to how quickly you can spot that girl you want to pick and take home. This should be an easy task … for example, bet on someone whose behaviour gives off ‘slutty’ vibes … look for girls who seem as if they are saying ‘come get it’.”
Chapter 4: How to end a relationship without being rude to your partner “Some people do dangerous things when they are hurt. Imagine telling someone you have been with for more than five years that you don’t love them anymore. Bang! Just like that. That person can have you bewitched thinking they wasted their time on you for nothing. You must dump your partner is such a way that she must think you are a loser in the whole thing” – the author goes on to suggest some of his strategies – “The last strategy I have for you is what I call Victim- Victor Rule … You will have to cry pretending you are hurt now that she is leaving you, yet deep down you are in celebratory mode.”
Chapter 8: The power of money “Don’t be fooled by the saying that money cannot buy love. Money is power and it plays a crucial role in relationships. I wonder if there are still guys out there who are obsessed with enlarging their penises so they can pleasure women. If such guys still exist, I have this to tell you: you guys are living in [the] dark ages. Large penises do not swipe at News Café. And they certainly do not buy you a German sports car.”
So what happens when a “wife” or “partner” cheats? Manyandi suggests revenge. In Chapter 11, a chapter that the author treats as an aha! moment, we are told that if the unforgivable were to happen the player should “leave her [the cheating spouse] and give her a lifetime of punishment. “It is not easy but this will eat her like a cankerworm,” the author writes. “When you are ready to date again, go for someone half her age, slender and extremely beautiful and watch your ex die a slow death.”
Cheating: The ultimate guide for players reads more like the ultimate guide for wankers but Manyandi must be commended for writing and self-publishing what comes across like a wank-fest at Men’s Res.