After discovering the root of my depression and anxiety, it became clear why stress is referred to as “the silent killer”.
At only 20 years old, I found myself sitting on my bed with a handful of pills ready to take my own life. I was tired of how I was feeling, and I wanted it to end.
Two years earlier, in 2016, I had taken a gap year after I did not get accepted into any university I had applied to. I was embarrassed because in my community there is a stigma attached to taking a gap year.
I was constantly being asked: “What are you doing with your life now?” and “Doing nothing this year will make you lazy.” While at a funeral, grieving, someone said, “Your brother didn’t take a gap year, so why are you?”
This constant comparisons to my brother who went to university straight out of school hit me hard. So did seeing my peers move forward while I felt stagnant, and constantly feeling as if I was disappointing my parents. I started doing admin work at our church office and applied again. I eventually got accepted in 2017 for a higher certificate in journalism.
I could have gone on to work as a journalist, but my plan was always to get an undergraduate degree first. When I received a rejection letter from UCT, I remember feeling embarrassed and like a failure again. Fortunately, I was admitted for an undergraduate degree in copywriting at Vega.
Within the first two weeks I knew the course was not for me, but I decided to complete the year and switch to a different university or degree programme the following year. As time went on, I found myself feeling sad and angry all the time and going to class made me feel so anxious, I would cry every day.
My breaking point came the day I received my mark for an assignment that I had worked on day and night – 37%. After that soul-crushing moment, I left campus early without telling anyone, and stopped at two different pharmacies to get as many pills as I could.
As I sat on my bed later, the stress of dropping out was too much. So was the stress of continuing with the programme. I was ready to end my life. At that very moment, a friend messaged me: “Are you okay?” I am alive today because of that message.
Since then, there have been a few more instances when I have felt the only way out was to take my own life. In 2022 I started seeing a psychologist and psychiatrist. What came out of these sessions was not only an ADHD diagnosis, but the fact that I have clinical depression and general anxiety disorder.
The root cause of my mental illnesses was revealed as stress. In the sessions with my therapist, we found a pattern. Whenever life became what felt like unbearably stressful, I would reach such a low that I would only see suicide as the only way out. This discovery is what saved me.
The constant stress I had been under since 2016 had taken its toll on me mentally. I realised that I had suppressed my emotions because life was stressful for everyone, and I thought not being able to handle the pressure would make me seem weak.
Looking back, there are many things I would do differently. I would pay attention to the feelings of hopelessness and the lows that were not just a bad day but would stay constantly with me.
A clinical professor at Brown University, Carol Landau says that the impact of stress on depression is “one of the most important problems of our time”. I would like to echo her sentiments and add that it is one that we should treat with the seriousness it requires.
Reading enables me to escape the confusing and confining circumstances of my own world through gaining a deeper understanding of others.
Literature has always been my escape from everyday life, and when I do face real people, it is also the reason that I resist judging a book by its cover, so to speak.
When life becomes hard for me, such as in 2020 when the covid-19 pandemic trapped me within the walls of my house and I experienced grief for loved ones and family members, I turned to books to escape. Sometimes the characters I used to escape were heroes who looked at the world and tried to make it better. Other times, the characters I read were villains. However, when I read a story, even one whose main character was someone who did bad things, I still grew to understand them, sometimes even root for them. In escaping from the confusing and confining world of my own, I entered the world of others.
A 2012 study by researchers from Dalton State College and Converse College in the US, explains the phenomenon of ‘rooting for the bad guy’. Richard Keen, Monica Powell McCoy and Elizabeth Powell examined how narratives make readers feel empathy. The study used psychological concepts and linked them to literature to conclude that literature makes us feel so deeply for characters because we are given a first-person perspective into their lives and so we avoid blaming actions on the characters themselves but rather blame their circumstances. This is similar to the perspective we take on when examining our own actions. We judge our actions by blaming things outside of our control and rarely blame our own internal thoughts and values for wrongdoings.
Getting lost in these characters has shown me how stories have the potential to make us understand the most incomprehensible situations. Later in life, when covid-19 released its deadlock on our lives, I came across people I couldn’t see eye to eye with, people who hurt me or made me feel inferior but, I had learnt that behind every one of these people who seemed incomprehensible to me, there was a whole story that had led them to where they were. I could not judge them for how they treated me without keeping in mind the villains that I grew to know and love through books. Stories made me feel mercy and empathy in the judgement of the most despicable characters, in books and in life. As there will always be people who hurt me in some way or other, this is something that I like to think I carry with me through life.
As a journalism student and an avid news reader, I notice how often the world and the press in particular refer to people who have done bad things, as bad people. There is little room to explain how factors beyond their control lead people to where they find themselves in the latest gossip or news article. I believe literature is such a valuable art form because through it, while escaping from my own life, I have entered the lives of others and lived how they have lived. It is so important to keep in mind that we judge the actions of others differently to how we judge ourselves, unless we know their whole story. But there is always a whole story. I hope to carry this idea into my own practice of journalism and avoid creating two dimensional characters out of multi-dimensional people.
Immersing myself in nature around Johannesburg boosts my mental and physical wellbeing.
Midway through my second year at Wits I was struggling with mental health issues. It became difficult to set goals, meet deadlines, and to attend crucial lectures. This caused my academic work to suffer, and my marks to drop. I also lost interest in things that I had once loved.
As overwhelming and isolating as my depression felt, it is not an uncommon occurrence. According to a 2022 paper by the Wits/Medical Research Council developmental pathways for health research unit (DPHRU), just over one-quarter of South Africans have probable depression. This fluctuates from province to province – with the highest rates in the Northern Cape, Eastern Cape, Western Cape, Gauteng and Mpumalanga.
One day, my friends called me to come on a walk with them. Not really understanding why people would walk for fun, I hesitantly went along.
Important to note is that, at the time, I was not able to see much good about what was around me. My mindset was extremely negative towards Joburg – the bad clouded the good.
We drove to a hill near Bedfordview, Ekurhuleni, to get an unobstructed view of the city. I remember sitting on a rock watching the sun set over Joburg. I was in awe of the City of Gold. We sat there well into the evening – chatting, listening to music, and most importantly, enjoying the view of the city.
The Sandton skyline glows in the sunset from the viewpoint of Harvey’s Nature Reserve on Linksfield Ridge. Photo: Seth Thorne
I wanted to do this more often. I wanted to see more of this beautiful city again. I remembered it being beautiful when I was a kid. What I am generally told now is that Joburg is a bad city, so everything about it must be bad… right?
I realised that I had lived in the city for my entire life but had not really seen Joburg.
I decided to set time aside to go on walks and hikes to see Jozi from different perspectives with my friends. It was a big decision because it meant I had to cut into my Netflix time. However, it changed my life forever.
The more I went out to see the city with my friends, the happier I found myself. From watching the sun set on Northcliff Hill, The Wilds in Houghton, and Harvey’s Nature Reserve on Linksfield Ridge, to spending a Saturday at the Neighbourgoods Market in Braamfontein. Seeing Joburg made me mentally and physically healthier. Taking care of your own well-being is known as “personal counselling”. This refers to nurturing one’s own mental health by making use of self-help resources and activities that a person would enjoy.
Techniques can also be learnt, with the Wits Careers Counselling and Development Unit offering some suggestions, which can be accessed by clicking here.
Walks around the city have made me more optimistic about Joburg, and life in general. It is an unbelievably diverse, complex, and misunderstood city that radiates a lot of beauty – if you allow yourself to see it. I also became enthusiastic about university, and my academic performance improved as a result. My suggestion to everyone is to go out and experience the beauty of the world around you. It just may change your life.
One of Johannesburg’s most scenic destinations is a nature reserve in the middle of the city – just a stone’s throw away from Wits University.
The Wilds Nature Reserve (The Wilds) is a 40-acre public park located between Killarney, Parktown, and Houghton. It is known for its tranquil ‘koppies,’ natural waterfalls, indigenous gardens, wildlife, and footpaths leading to breathtaking cityscape skylines.
A mosaic commemorating Sir James Percy FitzPatrick, author of the classic novel Jock of the Bushveld who frequently used the Wilds. Photo: Seth Thorne
In the 1990s extending into the 2000s, The Wilds was seemingly a ‘no-go zone’ due to its notorious reputation of rampant crime, neglect, and overgrowth of vegetation.
“People stopped coming because of crime,” said Sabelo Matihidi, a coffee shop employee at The Wilds.
That was until Johannesburg-based artist Patrick Delaney decided to reclaim the park through a community initiative in 2014. While it focused on clearing overgrown vegetation for visibility, the move also allowed locals to keep watch over the space.
When suspicious activity is noticed by walkers, security is alerted. “We [the community] are the park’s necessary eyes and ears,” said Delaney.
“Like [The Wilds], Central Park had a serious rough patch…It was notorious for crime and [being] in bad condition, but the community turned it around,” said Delaney.
Security at the park has also improved significantly in recent years. Security guard Petunia Matemane said: “We will protect this park, we are not scared.”
This change has not gone unnoticed. “People are coming back to the park,” said Matihidi. “It feels already feels peaceful now.”
The community also works alongside Johannesburg’s city parks and zoo department (JCPZ) to maintain the grounds.
Located around 2kms from main campus and just over 1km from education campus, Wits and the Wilds could have a mutually beneficial relationship. As a large historic reserve, with a vast array of indigenous biodiversity and urban architecture surrounding it, the possibilities for research are seemingly endless.
Students and staff also use the park as a location for study groups, walks, picnics, or to simply clear their minds. “The outdoors is incredibly crucial to your physical and mental well-being – people at Wits should utilize the reserve,” said Delaney.
There are also often activities such as guided hikes, picnics, and yoga. It is the perfect space for Witsies to visit when wanting an escape from the ‘hustle and bustle’ of the city.
One of Kudos Kudu’s cousins which was brought to the Wilds by James Delaney . Photo: Seth Thorne
FEATURED IMAGE: View overlooking the Johannesburg skyline from the east Wilds. Photo: Seth Thorne
Students have been participating in a hybrid model of teaching by spending more time at home than at university, and this has a deteriorating effect on their mental healthand support they have access to. (more…)
A student society at Wits has partnered with the iThemba foundation to raise awareness for mental health among medical professionals and health sciences students.
Since her announcement as the Democratic Alliance’s mayoral candidate for Johannesburg, Helen Zille has dominated national headlines. In this bonus episode of We Should Be Writing podcast, hosts Lulah Mapiye and Bonolo Mokonoto dissect a media meet-and-greet with the mayoral hopeful. From her extensive political résumé to her controversial public utterance, we examine why the Democratic Alliance has chosen Hellen Zille as their candidate for the 2027 local mayoral elections. Additionally, […]
